Upset at something I can't explain

Sometimes, it is hard to be me. I tried to live my life as simple and as monotonous as ever because I am always scared of challenges. Scared of the new things that are goin' on, scared to be not accepted though I know I wasn't really accepted in the first place.
I considered myself special although I am clumsy, slow, inactive, boring, stuck-up oh gosh! Name it! That's me, i still know I am much more intelligent than everyone else. But lately, even that single shining glory I have is slowly fading away. Shit! I really wanna cry! Why is it like this? I've already failed several exams since I returned to school. I have not much fall back because I never excel in groups. Am I just spending too much time on the net that I forget to do some more important things? Oh no!? I seem to be always on a worse state. I seem to be just fitting myself in a space that's already too tight for me. I wanna scream! I wanna be alone but I might just commit suicide if that happens. Teens are suppose to be the ones who feel this way but why me? I'm 21. Am I just such a late-bloomer? I am at lost but I cannot talk about it to anyone. I wasn't just raised this way. No! My parents wanted me to show the world that I am invincible and letting them know that I can feel pain would just have them thinking that I'm such a weak person. Oh gosh! Is it really just me here in the world? My closest friend is really happy about something that's going to happen and I don't want to spoil it. I think I have responsibilities I could no longer stand. I am just so depressed and sad and... Oh! I do not know how to explain it.

If only I can be callous forever then I wouldn't be hurting this way... Hurting w/ no apparent reason. I am actually tired but I wanna go on. I know something is out there lurking for me.

I will not edit this post. No I wouldn't. I'm tired. I'm hurting inside but everytime I try to show it so people who have a heart could help me, my face shows the same expressions saying '' Yes I am okay even if I am not.''

Hayz... I'd be okay soon. I think.